After the Death of Anna Gonzales (9781466859524) Read online

  Then we could do Spanish skits about baseball.

  “Uno, dos, tres strikes and you vamos from the old ball game.”

  It would make seventh hour más bueno.

  Otherwise, this girl Andrea may try to move there.

  Fourteen of her friends have told me she likes me

  A lot.

  She sits in the back of the room, but she’s always

  Giggling and staring at me.

  I pretend not to notice.

  She’d be better off with Greg.

  Geeks like those two

  Really should stick together.

  Actually, I hope …

  Anna will be in her seat seventh hour

  And life will go on, just like it’s supposed to.

  Mitch S. Foster

  I guess Anna didn’t find out that you could opt out

  Without really leaving.

  I did

  A long time ago.

  The rest of my family is the roaring center of success.

  And the model for superstress.

  My dad is the proud owner of four fine classic cars,

  Which no one ever drives.

  In number, they match his four heart attacks.

  My mom is #1 in sales

  Again.

  And my older sister’s straight A’s are delivered

  As expected.

  My family feels that

  The entrance to our house is

  The driveway to the top.

  BELIEVE!

  ACHIEVE!

  And I—

  Realizing I could never compete on any other level—

  Have become their number one failure.

  Actually, I’m very good at doing nothing.

  And so, declaring my own sort of victory,

  I long ago opted out of their high-stakes game.

  Andy Gotchalder

  Get out our homework?

  You gotta be kidding, Mrs. Johnson!

  How can we just go over algebra

  Like nothin’ happened or anything.

  Shouldn’t we be like … I don’t know,

  Shouldn’t we be quiet or something this hour?

  Yeah, well, I am a sensitive guy,

  I just get a bad rap.

  Maybe we could put on music and think …

  You know …

  I’ve got a good CD.

  What?

  Turn in our homework and then we can

  Have time to reflect?

  My homework?

  Well, I don’t have it.

  Where is it?

  Actually, I didn’t do it.

  Why not?

  Ah, come on, Mrs. Johnson, you know, last night was Thursday.

  And that’s way too close to the weekend for homework.

  Mrs. Johnson, Algebra Teacher

  Too many papers.

  Too many meetings.

  Too many students.

  But I do try to reach them all.

  In the limited time I have.

  Yes, they sit in rows.

  Yes, they figure numbers.

  Yes, they fill in No. 2 pencil tests.

  But it is the sum of who they are

  That matters to me.

  Haven’t I shown them that?

  Not well enough, I guess,

  For poor Anna Gonzales is dead.

  The class seems stunned.

  Staring now at me

  As if I should know an answer for

  All of this.

  And the only answer I know is

  That no child should give up on life.

  Math deals in absolutes.

  But life is the most absolute of all.

  John Morgan

  It wasn’t me that said, “Come on over tonight.”

  It wasn’t me that said, “My parents aren’t home.”

  And it wasn’t me that said, “Want a beer?”

  I mean I wasn’t complaining,

  But it wasn’t me suggesting the horizontal communication,

  If you know what I mean.

  Hey, I don’t mind being Kimmy’s boy toy.

  I’d be first to say that last night was a sweet gig.

  But what’s up with Sharlee this morning

  Calling me a disgusting pig?

  On account of what Kimmy told her.

  Today,

  I think maybe me and Kimmy better have

  A little better vertical communication.

  Sharlee Williams

  Anna Gonzales—not sure I knew her.

  But maybe she was motivated by a “best friend” like Kimmy.

  Kimmy, who knew my every secret and insecurity,

  Kimmy, who plotted with me for weeks

  About the blow-out party we’d have

  The minute her parents left town.

  We counted the hours

  Until our popularity plan.

  So was the party a success?

  No way.

  At least not for me.

  Her parents were barely out the door, before

  Kimmy told me to get lost because (giggle)

  John was coming over.

  And the party had been downsized to two.

  Dismissed just that fast,

  I stayed home.

  Feeling stupid and depressed

  That my feelings meant nothing

  To Kimmy.

  I cried a lot and thought even more.

  Then I redefined the word “friendship.”

  And this morning,

  When I got to school,

  I worked on a little revenge.

  Kimmy Nelson

  “She took her own life.”

  Is that what Mr. Barron said?

  I was only half listening.

  But I’m pretty sure I heard

  “She took her own life.”

  Those were the words.

  Inserted right near the end

  Of our usually boring morning announcements.

  Suicide.

  Awful.

  Really awful.

  I’m so glad I’ve got a friend like Sharlee

  And maybe even a boyfriend in John.

  It would be awful to feel as alone as

  Anna.

  Carrie Sells

  I keep trying to wrap my arms

  Around my world

  So that I can get some control over it.

  I’ve tried to make the circle large enough

  For my second stepdad, who taught me how to play baseball,

  And my mom’s new husband, who really wants us to be a family.

  For my dad’s ex-girlfriend, who taught me to make ice-cream pie,

  And my dad’s third wife, who was kind of like a sister

  When I stayed with them.

  I suppose I’m lucky.

  Everyone wants to be in my world.

  Eighth-grade graduation was only for immediate family,

  And I needed sixteen tickets.

  But I’m always in the role of peacemaker.

  “Can’t you all play nicely?”

  I want to shout.

  Still, it seems that no matter how large I make my circle

  No one’s ever happy.

  Sometimes, when everyone is shouting at everyone,

  And everyone expects me to make it right,

  I think about killing myself,

  Leaving a letter

  That says to each one of these

  “Grown-ups” who say they care so much,

  “You can keep one little part of me.

  Put it on a shelf.

  Hang it on a wall.

  That part will be yours forever,

  And no one will have to fight anymore.”

  But then I decide I don’t want to die.

  I haven’t really even had my

  Chance

  To live.

  So I just keep trying to make my arms grow,

  Hoping that someday

  I can put them around my world enough<
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  To get control of it.

  Eric Sueffert

  If I could,

  I would.

  But I can’t sneak out of this class right now.

  So I’ll have to wait.

  Fifty more minutes for freedom,

  Before I’m down the back staircase

  And outta here.

  I’ve got to get to Anna’s house

  In time to beat the rest of the media

  That’s bound to come.

  Tonight, on News at 10,

  Maybe, they’ll feature my interview.

  Okay …

  So Mrs. Gonzales doesn’t really know me.

  But I do go to Anna’s school.

  Okay …

  So it’s gonna be pretty weird going to her house today.

  But investigative reporters do hard stuff all the time.

  My mom would say it’s too rude.

  But my mom doesn’t understand.

  Why should I wait until after college

  When this could be my big break?

  Damn! I wish I’d taken Anna to a dance.

  Then I’d have had some special background.

  Definitely a missed opportunity now.

  Tammy Billet

  I want to

  Safari into Africa and see zebras right up close.

  Sing with an all-girl band that rocks right off the charts.

  Send myself to Paris for a summer on the Seine.

  Stay up all night dancing with a handsome, mysterious man

  Who kisses me passionately and sweeps

  me off into the best of the romance

  novels I read on the Saturdays I

  spend alone.

  Every time my father fails to provide child support,

  And my mother cries that she doesn’t know what to do about all these mouths

  To feed,

  I go in my room and add another line to my list.

  I don’t understand why anyone would think

  That life isn’t going to get better.

  How could you check out

  Before the good stuff ever started?

  Alexis Jimers

  I always thought I was so

  Lucky

  That my friend never spilled secrets

  Like my crush on Ricky

  Which she didn’t let slip

  Even when Debbie promised great gossip in return.

  A and A they called us,

  But we called ourselves the A+s.

  Because that’s how it seemed when we were

  Together.

  We spent sleepovers swearing Ms. Mason had a crush on Mr. Barron.

  We wondered about the “right” way to really kiss a boy.

  We made collages of all our favorite movie stars.

  Once, we even invented our own language.

  But somewhere, buried in all those words,

  Must have been a meaning I didn’t understand.

  And somehow, lost in all those kept secrets,

  Was one I’d give anything for her to have spoken.

  I could always accept not being the prettiest or the smartest

  Because I had the best of friends.

  A and A they called us.

  But, Anna, somehow, I failed you.

  And now I’ve lost the best part of

  Me.

  Martin Martinez

  Last year, me and Vinnie and Jorge

  Were on the corner by the 7-Eleven.

  We’re just standin’ there.

  We weren’t doing nothin’.

  Just hangin’ around.

  When this white car goes by.

  It had this blue kinda stripe.

  And I thought, one day when I get my car,

  I want a stripe like that.

  The car drove by again.

  I pointed to it.

  Jorge said, “No way. That is u—g—ly!”

  He started to say something else,

  But there was this pop.

  Jorge fell.

  And the car sped off.

  I held Jorge in my arms

  As his white shirt turned red.

  Jorge looked so scared.

  “You’re gonna be okay,” I kept screaming.

  At Jorge’s funeral

  His uncle said Jorge wanted to be a lawyer someday.

  His mother said he wanted to be a priest someday.

  His little sister said he wanted to be real rich someday.

  But most of all,

  I wanted and

  I think he wanted

  Just to be alive.

  Lynn Helter

  Oh my God.

  Not this week.

  Why did Anna have to kill herself now?

  I don’t mean to be rude or anything,

  But

  She certainly didn’t have any consideration.

  Everyone knows how important this pep assembly is going to be.

  Tonight, we face our toughest game.

  I have personally pushed to make this assembly great.

  Unlike some people,

  I take my responsibility to this school seriously.

  It may seem easy to get the cheerleaders to go third.

  But they’re mad that the football team’s introductions take up too much time.

  And the coach, he just keeps saying,

  “After all, Lynn, we wouldn’t be having this assembly if it weren’t for the team.”

  I tried to cut the ROTC’s flag raising,

  But that didn’t fly with the principal.

  All this work to make perfect pep.

  And the assembly is for everyone.

  So there better not be calls to cancel it now.

  Because that’s not going to happen.

  Life goes on.

  Look up,

  Smile,

  And feel the purple pride!

  Shannon Delany

  How do I feel about Anna?

  I don’t know.

  She’s always been in my classes.

  First Grade

  Sounding out S’s through our missing front teeth.

  Third Grade

  Practicing perfect cursive C’s and B’s.

  Fifth Grade

  Being part of the Famous Fraction Finders.

  Sixth, Seventh, Eighth, Ninth Grades.

  Counting up the details of all the classes we shared,

  We learned

  The capital of North Dakota.

  The square root of 144.

  The definition of 1,000 vocabulary words.

  But I guess lost in all that information,

  No one ever taught Anna how to live,

  And for sure,

  No one taught me how to feel

  About finding out how she died.

  Mandy Krantz

  Oh my God. I’m late again.

  Ms. Mason is going to kill me.

  My alarm didn’t go off.

  The power went out.

  The car had a flat.

  My bike was broken.

  Get real … I would ride a bike to school?

  Okay. So think. There’s gotta be a good excuse.

  A car hit my dog.

  Used it yesterday.

  My cat ran away.

  Already said the cat died last week.

  Well, school shouldn’t start so early.

  Don’t these people have a clue how much there is to do at night?

  I’m here now … Can’t that just be enough?

  So … I’m just opening this door.

  No excuses needed.

  What’s with all this silence and the faces?

  Did I forget about a test?

  Tiffany Gibson

  Before Andy’s party,

  I took a few sips

  From a whiskey bottle

  In my parents’ bar.

  It burned my throat.

  It made my eyes tear.

  I hated it.

  But it gave me the courage


  To be an impostor.

  To walk into Andy’s party

  Without my knees knocking.

  But once I was there,

  Once I was right in the middle of the popular kids,

  It wasn’t enough.

  I was afraid

  They’d discover I was a geek in disguise.

  So I made myself guzzle the first can of beer.

  The second just sort of slid right down.

  I’m not sure when Andy challenged me

  To match him can for can,

  Or why I agreed.

  I don’t even remember taking off my top.

  But I’ve seen the crude cartoons the guys have drawn,

  So I must have done it.

  One night.

  One time to be part of the cool kids.

  And now I walk through these school halls,

  And I look at no one.

  And I die a little each day as I live through it.

  Jenna Etkin

  So I’m failing geometry.

  Doesn’t matter.

  I’m passing my other classes.

  So there’s no money for new clothes.

  Doesn’t matter.

  I’ve got Goodwill.

  So they disconnected the phone at our house.

  Doesn’t matter.

  I’ve got a beeper.

  So we’ve got a few extra people sleeping on the floor.

  Doesn’t matter.

  At least we’ve got a floor to sleep on.

  Hey,

  Life only gets you down if you let it.

  Ms. Mason, English Teacher

  “Death be not proud…”

  “Do not go gentle into that good night…”

  Fragments of poems I’ve taught.

  Can’t finish them—can’t think how they go.

  Brain too numb to truly believe.

  That empty seat in the third row.

  Anna will be back.

  She must be.

  Quiet, sweet …

  A face framed by long lush brown hair.

  Almond eyes always seemed luminous.

  Giving no hint that this unnatural sleep would be her fate.

  I’ve tried to teach through literature

  The wonder of life.

  Yet the quiet rebuke of that empty chair

  Speaks louder than the most vocal of student skeptics.

  I cannot take my eyes from the spot.

  “There in the sudden blackness, the black pall

  Of nothing, nothing, nothing—nothing at all.”

  Aaron Sherman

  Shimmering and elusive

  Stanford stands

  atop a surface that few will reach.

  Scores swim hysterically in schools of